Am I just being pissy?

So, we left last Friday for an Easter weekend road trip. Came back on Monday at noon. DH left Monday morning for California. Came home at 11:30 pm last night. We got home from Ithaca last night at 1 AM.

He left this morning for a funeral and said he'd be gone all day, going to a casino tonight with our friend J in Niagara Falls and would see us tomorrow AM (we have an appointment with a family friend/ counselor with the kids).

Is it just me, or is it sucky that he's going to a concert overnight (CSN) when he hasn't seen the kids in a week?

BTW, this is nothing new.... he's always operated on his own schedule. Must be nice.

I wonder if he'll go to M's rugby game in Buffalo next Saturday or will claim that he needs to stay here and work on the boat. @@

.... I know, I know, totally snarky.

And FTR...I don't think the kids care... I don't even think it's on their radar since he's such a nonentity in their weekend plans anyway. :-(

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The End. FUCK.

I need to get this out there and I don't know how to start, so I'll just lay it out.

I've only shared this with my pastor and to a group of internet friends that I've known for about 15 years - (the semi-anonymity helps, I think)

But without going into all of the details, G and I haven't been on the same page for quite some time. How did it start? disagreement over parenting decisions? a messy house? me only working part-time? different goals? different expectations? different ideas about what's okay in a fight? who knows?

But the bottom line is that we have grown farther and farther apart and our relationship is getting uglier and uglier.

I have my faults and blame in this as well, but from my perspective, he is so miserable and resentful that he has turned into an emotional and verbal bully to me and to M. Not so much E. He is critical and nasty about absolutely everything I do and has completely disengaged from our family life. Some of you have seen glimpses of this over the years. You've also seen my part in this - I'm thinking particularly of dynamics on the boat. I'm not perfect and never have been.

He has refused to go to counseling with me, despite me asking for several years. For my part, I have procrastinated in going myself because I was afraid of going to someone that he wouldn't be comfortable with. That was not a good decision.

I finally went to the LCSW therapist that we went to last spring when I caught M high. He's very insightful and got a chance to see some of our family dynamics.

G has said off and on after every fight for years, that he's "had enough", he's "done", he "works too hard to be this miserable", "works to hard to put up with this mediocrity" and has threatened divorce. He's been more vocal about this recently.

I do NOT want this. I have always been of the mindset that we can work through this if we would only be able to talk about it with a third party who could help us navigate through this.

He finally agreed to talk to B (for those of you who don't know him, he's a Y friend and colleague who is also a chaplain and a counselor).

Please pray for us and I only hope that we haven't gone so far astray that there's still hope for us.

I haven't shared this with many people I'm not sure how to proceed. It may take me a little time to get this out, so please don't share with anyone else. I have always kept most of this private because I didn't want to betray our marital privacy, but I think it's gone too far now and I need some perspective and support.

I can't do this alone and I believe that those of you who stood up with us at our wedding are a part of our support and I need you.
******
Update:

We met with B last night.

Well, the first 3 hours last night were emotional and B said he thought there was hope. He suggested individual and couples counseling and said it would be hard, and a lot of work. He mostly listened and tried to get G to open up. 

G has so much pent up anger and resentment.

Then something happened, and during the last hour, G did a 180 and said, no, I can't do this and unleashed a torrent of verbal vomit and emotion and pent up rage at me.

B had to admit that we are toxic and maybe we shouldn't be together. G has absolutely no love for me, and said that several times. Bruce recognized that I still love G but that I need to be in a situation where I can rebuild self-esteem and where we are away from each other - for our health and for the kids.

He suggested a separation. And separate counseling. And maybe divorce.

He's going to go back to Massachusetts next weekend to talk to his parents. I don't know what he's going to say. B has urged him not to trash me, but he has so much anger and resentment that I just don't know. I love G's parents and don't want to lose that relationship.

For those of you who are friends with us both, I don't want to lose you either.

G has agreed to move to the boat this summer.

I am devastated. And panicked. And heartsick.

I keep thinking this is so unfair. All around. Please keep us in your prayers. I really miss the man I fell in love with and married.

I don't think this is going to be public knowledge in Y circles yet, so please keep this to yourself.

For some of you, this is no surprise... either because you have watched us interact over the years, or because G apparently unloaded to some of you, when I was struggling with this in private.

I had to get it out there and it is difficult to talk about.

I love each of you for the part you've played in our lives.

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