Ugly

I asked you to complete the tasks you were given to do today. Despite the fact that you're not in school today, this is not a vacation.

And don't. even. get. me started on the fact that this was my first day off from work when you both were at school. It's Easter Monday. A perk of working in a church office.

I was looking forward to it.

To MYSELF.

Not to babysitting you. Not to go to the principal's office to sign your "Helping Contract" that will hopefully have you out of school for two weeks plus April recess instead of the 5 - 15 weeks that are the policy of our district. For a FIRST offense.

Not discussing our situation to a stranger that will soon become our closest confidant. A highly recommended substance abuse counselor who works in a neighboring district.
Not setting up tutoring and transportation and community service hours.

NO, I was looking forward to an uninterrupted day of cleaning closets and bringing stuff to our local resale shop, to a Yoga class at the Y, to browsing the sales at the mall, to using the coupons that I have been collecting - 40% off at Borders, 25% off at Ann Taylor Loft, Buy one, Get one Half Off at Famous Footwear...

I was not looking forward to you being belligerent when I reminded you of unfinished tasks... to hearing, FUCK YOU!
Again.

To having you, my 6 foot 2, 14 year old tower over me and threaten me.

I certainly didn't expect to lose my temper and call you names in return, but I'm not perfect. But you knew that already.

Maybe that's why you want to get high, maybe that's why you want to escape. I can't say I totally blame you.

But regardless, I will not let you get away with it. You have too much ahead of you to limit your future by poor choices today.

Bad grades, bad attitude, bad choices, bad parenting.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Maybe I've set a bad example when you hear your father and I arguing. About you. About laundry. About my work. My housecleaning. Or lack of it.

I'm sure we could have benefited from counseling sooner than this. But that's done. We're on it now.

***** Honestly, the reason I didn't make an appointment sooner? Fear. Not fear of talking it out. Fear of choosing the wrong counselor/therapist. I don't doubt that I could find someone that *I'm comfortable talking to. My fear was choosing someone my husband or son didn't like; of having them feel like I was "stacking the deck" against them by finding someone who listened to my side of the story first. *****

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