Posts
I'm thankful that my boss is out of town this week and it's taken me this long to get the snot out of my nose, but I can't claim complete success because my eyes are still burning.
I have to pick up my son in 40 minutes from tutoring and I'm afraid it'll start all over again.
I think our issues are about so much more than smoking pot.
It scares me.
Today it started with a request that he retrieve the trash and recycling bins while I did one last task before we got into the car.
In a minute mom
That's not too horrendous, and not unexpected. He was reading a book while he waited and I can relate to that.
5 minutes later
Me: We have to leave, please get the bins now.
In a minute mom
5 more minutes (or maybe 3) we *really have to leave NOW
Why do I have to get them? Fuck no! blahblahblah...... what difference does it make? blahblahblah...
I told him to get the newspaper too while he was at it - it's been his (one) morning job for years. Really years, like almost since he could walk. And he STILL argues about it.
Fuckfuckfuckblahblahblah..... Why do I fuckin' have to do that? I dont want to do it now. I don't care about the fuckin' trash cans. What difference does it make? Why are you being a bitch? I could do it later.....
Anyway, the next few minutes in the car in the driveway are a blur, but it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. He was swearing at me and being unconscionably rude and disrespectful.
I can't even describe it. It really is a blur.
I started crying.
Then screaming.
IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE BECAUSE I ASKED YOU TO DO IT.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A FIGHT OVER EVERY. DAMN. REQUEST.
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU NEED - BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
I loathe him sometimes. I loathe how he manipulates and plays dumb.
How he feigns ignorance of what he did wrong.
I loathe how he gets that condescending, quiet, calculated voice and says, I'm sorry mom, in that sickly sweet faking voice (I know you've heard it before, or at least would recognize it)
I loathe how I feel when I let him get me angry.
I loathe the way I cried so hard it hurt to take a breath.
It's not safe to drive that way.
PS.
Yes, I am embarrassed by all this.
I am embarrassed to be sharing this.
It's ugly.
It's awful.
But I have to get it out.
Posted by
I have no advice at all. I just wish I could give you a hug or do something to help you feel better.
ReplyDeleteWhat B said. (((hugs))) and any time you want an ear to vent to, we've got plenty of Paneras to choose from......
ReplyDeleteHeather, I just can't talk about it in person. At least not like this.
ReplyDeleteIt just feels too awful. Too broken.
I can't imagine..although my sufferings are on the other end of the spectrum due to my son's total lack of socialization. I cry a lot too. It's just a difficult time all the way around.
ReplyDelete*YOU seem so well adjusted.
ReplyDeleteI never imagined you crying. :-(
See how good we are at keeping stuff hidden?
Check out James Lehman's Total Transformation program. It's expensive, but we saw results with our tween son - and his sometimes disrespectful behaviour.
ReplyDeleteOMG. You are living my life. This entire post sounds like any given day in my house. You are SO not alone. Call me at work any time. Also, if you would like to use my Total Transformation CDs, I'll UPS them to you. I made mine listen to them with me, which he loathed, but really, the tapes helped me more than him. XO
ReplyDeleteKeep writing. This needs to come out...Hugs. You're not alone. I don't have kids, but I KNOW you're not alone.
ReplyDelete