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Last night, DH told me that he talked with B while at a conference together last month. I'm desperate. This morning I wrote B this email.
"Last night DH shared with me that he talked with you in Albany. Shared isn't the right word, maybe unloaded. With years of resentment and venom.
It wasn't pretty. Hasn't been for a while, but definitely getting worse.
For years I've asked him to consider counseling and he's dismissed the idea.
We're both at fault, I know it takes two to get to this point.
But the situation is toxic. And hurtful.
Especially since things with M have been exploding. (I suspected he was smoking pot and I told the school. He's suspended now and we're seeing a substance abuse counselor. He grades tanked before that. There's a lot going on.) It's a situation that requires us to be on the same page and support each other and to support M, and we're just so far apart.
I don't think he would be open to any counselor that I choose. He's distrustful of the process in general and wouldn't like anyone to tell him what to do, but I know that he respects and trusts you.
We're in trouble and need help.
He keeps things in until he explodes and then goes straight for the jugular and for the most extreme solution. M gets in trouble and he wants to talk about boarding school. We're in trouble and he wants to talk about a separation.
I'm of the view that before you take drastic measures you exhaust all other possible solutions and seek and accept help from anywhere and everywhere that you can.
We're dying here. Spiritually (at least I am - he says religion is a scam), emotionally, physically.
And it hurts.
I'm at a disadvantage since I don't know what he talked with you about or what he shared. But I don't care. He said he had a packet or a letter from you, but he hasn't shown it to me.
What now?
Sorry to unload. I know I'm spilling here, but I've got nothing to lose.
I'm going to hit send now before I change my mind."
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The honesty in these posts is just breathtaking and speaks to the fact that you have such deep courage. I know you will come through all of this.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are all living in a house of fear and anger right now. I think when your husband berates you and accuses you and says such ugly things to you that at the core of that he must be scared to death that it is actually his fault--that he is the big screw up--and that lashing out makes things better because it feels powerful and in control.
It sounds like your son has learned some of the ways to treat you by watching his father.
I am so so sorry this time is so hard for you all. I hope you will be able to tak eit one day at a time, to seperate the good from the bad, the wheat from the hay...to be as present as possible where you are and know that where you think you are--and where you think you are going--changes from moment to moment day to day.
There was never any darkness that didn't end with light.
Hugs.
Also K-
ReplyDeleteWhen people really CARE about something they fight over it.
Whenever there is fighting, there is still hope.
Have I told you lately that I love you?
ReplyDeletemwah!
Just want you to know you're on my mind. Sending all the hope, strength, and wisdom vibes I can muster! ((( )))
ReplyDeletexxoo :hugs: we need to GO OUT!!
ReplyDeleteI was worrying about you while I was out of town.
ReplyDelete(that's what I do, worry warrior)Even though I don't know you, so much of what you write is so familiar and I wish I could take it off your shoulders. Please know you are not alone and I hope you are doing alright.
Where's an updateK?
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my thoughts & prayers