A letter to a friend.

We have a friend, B, who is a chaplain, spiritual director, counseling psychologist. DH has known B a lot better and a lot longer than I have. He trusts and respects him. I do to.

Last night, DH told me that he talked with B while at a conference together last month.  I'm desperate. This morning I wrote B this email.


"Last night DH shared with me that he talked with you in Albany. Shared isn't the right word, maybe unloaded. With years of resentment and venom.

It wasn't pretty. Hasn't been for a while, but definitely getting worse.

For years I've asked him to consider counseling and he's dismissed the idea.

We're both at fault, I know it takes two to get to this point.

But the situation is toxic. And hurtful.

Especially since things with M have been exploding. (I suspected he was smoking pot and I told the school. He's suspended now and we're seeing a substance abuse counselor. He grades tanked before that. There's a lot going on.) It's a situation that requires us to be on the same page and support each other and to support M, and we're just so far apart.

I don't think he would be open to any counselor that I choose. He's distrustful of the process in general and wouldn't like anyone to tell him what to do, but I know that he respects and trusts you.

We're in trouble and need help.

He keeps things in until he explodes and then goes straight for the jugular and for the most extreme solution.  M gets in trouble and he wants to talk about boarding school. We're in trouble and he wants to talk about a separation.

I'm of the view that before you take drastic measures you exhaust all other possible solutions and seek and accept help from anywhere and everywhere that you can.

We're dying here. Spiritually (at least I am - he says religion is a scam), emotionally, physically.
And it hurts.

I'm at a disadvantage since I don't know what he talked with you about or what he shared. But I don't care. He said he had a packet or a letter from you, but he hasn't shown it to me.

What now?

Sorry to unload. I know I'm spilling here, but I've got nothing to lose.

I'm going to hit send now before I change my mind."

Posted by

So, I didn't think it was possible....

 But Tuesday ended up worse.

Oh, it started out okay.

But in the afternoon, he argued with me when I reminded him he was grounded and could not go to his friend's house (across the back yard)

I was busy upstairs with my daughter and he walked out. I thought he was reading quietly in his room.

When I discovered this, and called him home, I told him he was grounded to his room for doing that.

My husband, however, thought this was an opportune time to berate me for "letting it happen".  Mind you this is not a toddler that needs constant eye contact to keep safe (well, almost, but I think you know what I mean)

I didn't "let him" leave. He chose to leave.  But that started a whole tirade about my poor parenting skills and about how he (my husband) warned me that this would happen years ago. How this is my fault because I'm the parent at home without a full-time career. Etc, etc.

It got worse.

If you know me in person, this is really painful

He came upstairs as I was watching "Deadliest Catch" and wanted to watch last week's "Lost". I thought that was inconsiderate, but rather than fight, I ended up giving him the remote a few (maybe 10) minutes later.

He started talking, ranting, berating (oh fairly quietly, not yelling) and unleashing years of resentment and frankly I don't know if we can survive this or not.

His perspective is that I'm not supportive of him and his career, that I have lousy housekeeping skills (I can't deny that) and am a lousy parent and wife.  I'll spare you the gory details, but it was all hurtful.  I think he wants a temporary separation. Or at least mentioned it for the shock value.

My perspective is that we should have gone to counseling YEARS ago, but we're there now and that counseling should be a first step before a separation.

And without counseling for perspective, I don't think a separation has any positive merits at. all. What good could it possible do? It gives space and distance, but with what? No positive reinforcement.

My perspective is that if we disagree about parenting, finance, housekeeping, etc we should talk about it. Not call names, etc. I'm no saint, but I've put up with years of verbal bullying and yes, running interference when he is waaay too harsh on our son.

No matter how bad my son has screwed up, he shouldn't be called a loser all the time.

I can't write anymore.

I fell asleep at 1 AM. I can't even process all this.

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Oh, this Monday sucks., too

It's 9:20.  I've been at work for an hour.

I'm thankful that my boss is out of town this week and it's taken me this long to get the snot out of my nose, but I can't claim complete success because my eyes are still burning.

I have to pick up my son in 40 minutes from tutoring and I'm afraid it'll start all over again.

I think our issues are about so much more than smoking pot.

It scares me.

Today it started with a request that he retrieve the trash and recycling bins while I did one last task before we got into the car.

In a minute mom

That's not too horrendous, and not unexpected. He was reading a book while he waited and I can relate to that.


5 minutes later

Me: We have to leave, please get the bins now.

In a minute mom

5 more minutes (or maybe 3) we *really have to leave NOW

Why do I have to get them? Fuck no! blahblahblah...... what difference does it make? blahblahblah...


I told him to get the newspaper too while he was at it - it's been his (one) morning job for years. Really years, like almost since he could walk. And he STILL argues about it.

Fuckfuckfuckblahblahblah..... Why do I fuckin' have to do that? I dont want to do it now. I don't care about the fuckin' trash cans. What difference does it make? Why are you being a bitch?  I could do it later.....

Anyway, the next few minutes in the car in the driveway are a blur, but it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. He was swearing at me and being unconscionably rude and disrespectful.

I can't even describe it. It really is a blur.

I started crying.

Then screaming.

IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE BECAUSE I ASKED YOU TO DO IT.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A FIGHT OVER EVERY. DAMN. REQUEST.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU NEED - BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

I loathe him sometimes.  I loathe how he manipulates and plays dumb.
How he feigns ignorance of what he did wrong.
I loathe how he gets that condescending, quiet, calculated voice and says, I'm sorry mom, in that sickly sweet faking voice  (I know you've heard it before, or at least would recognize it)

I loathe how I feel when I let him get me angry.

I loathe the way I cried so hard it hurt to take a breath.

It's not safe to drive that way.


PS.
Yes, I am embarrassed by all this.
I am embarrassed to be sharing this.
It's ugly.
It's awful.
But I have to get it out.


Posted by

HIPPA sucks

I mean I certainly am grateful for the protocol that protects my privacy and that allows teen girls to seek medical care  for reproductive health without fear of reprisal from their parents.

I get it.

But when a therapist tells my 14 year old that they will not share with *me; the parent, the woman who birthed you, the parents who are responsible for you legally,  spiritually, physically, emotionally; the things you tell them in counseling sessions, that is just crap.

I don't think my minor child should have any expectations of privacy under these circumstances. 

I want to know what he's thinking.

I want to know what he resents, what's angry about, what he fears.

I *need to know what he's thinking.

And you know what? There are a lot of things we, as parents, as adults; make our children do that they would rather not, but it's good for them so we make them do it.

I think sharing what they reveal/ learn/share/ discover in counseling is one of those things.

So, yeah, I think the fact that HIPPA laws shut out parents in this circumstance sucks.

Posted by

This is exactly what I think you think.

 And it's what I'm afraid of.

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This feels like *my punishment.

I'd really like a carefree weekend.

Time spent pleasurably. Time with family. And friends.

I'd like to feel that my home is a sanctuary for my children. For my husband.

For the family.

For me.

Instead, resentment has settled in. Not just mine. I'll get to that later.

My son is now passive-aggressively and not-so-passively reacting to the fact that his freedoms are restricted.

I'm sure he's bored. And resentful.

But his resentment is causing my resentment.

Instead of a family dinner, I'm the family referee.

No, you can not go out to your friend's house.


No. not at 7.

No, not at 8 either.


Because  you broke curfew, were disrespectful and punched a whole in my wall.

Because I SAID SO.


No you will not walk out anyway.


No, you will not defy me.


Don't kick the vacuum cleaner. Pick it up.


Pick up what you just threw.

Because you will not destroy things in my home.


Because I said so.

I heard what you just muttered.


Yes, you did.  And yes, I did. 

I'm not as clueless as you'd like to think.

No, you will NOT sneak out.


Because I guarantee you won't like the consequences if you do.


(His room is, unfortunately, on the ground floor)


I'm exhausted and it's only 7:30 PM. Bedtime is so far away.

It would be so nice to be able to relax and enjoy this evening.

But I'm grounded too.


Posted by

One more thing

I know many (most) of you are here because I sent you the link... but I'm trying to be more anonymous over here.

So please don't use my name in the comments.

... If I've removed a comment, it's because you used my name.

I still treasure the comment, but I just don't want it out there, okay?

Thanks.


Posted by

Proof

...that it's okay to hope for new things and new beginnings.

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What goes on behind closed doors

Facebook, twitter, message boards.... even bumper stickers

So many ways to get your info out there.

So many opportunities to brag about our families.

So proud of _____ for making the ______ team!

Very excited for ______ for getting into ________ program/ college....

My darling husband just brought me a frozen coke.......

Love my wife, she just made the BEST meal.

Proud parent of a _______ school honor student.

Proud parent of a __________ school Student of the Month

You don't often read updates like:

My son is suspended

Just got told to fuck off

Drug Court - wonder what that's like?

Bumper sticker: Parent of a PotHead

I wonder what makes my son want to get high?

Can I trust ______ to ride his bike to the pizza parlor?

Is going for a walk around the neighborhood really just a walk?

Are his cheeks flushed from backyard football or something else?

But as I expose myself and reach out to others (I *can't be all alone, right?), you hear other things...

______'s son went to school in Colorado and dropped out and is now homeless.

______'s child went through a phase and was involved with drugs and alcohol. Now he's graduating and looking forward to college.

_____'s child had a DUI

________s are in counseling

The school's substance abuse counselor's own daughter was suspended for smoking pot

These are all middle class professional families.

Many of them working for NFP community agencies, or law enforcement or working with youth. Or ministry. Families that you would think would have the resources to avoid all of this.

No. We just don't talk about it.

Well I do.

Because I can't bear this burden alone.



Posted by

These are trying times

So, despite the fact that I've taken away cell phone, computer, ipod, boombox.... I don't want this to be a prison sentence.

I want him to have some hope. Some reason to feel comfortable and happy in his own home.

I offered to rent a movie to watch together.

He wanted to visit his friend next door.

So I let him visit the neighbors. They're good boys, ages 14, 17, 19. Their house is filled with kids, a hangout spot. And an X-Box. They have a fire pit in the back yard.... a nice gathering place with parental supervision.

My son came home for dinner and wanted to go back to their house. I wanted to tell him to come back at 9:30.

I said 10 PM.

He said 10:30.

I said no, 10 PM.

He left.

I set the oven timer to go off at 10 PM.

He came home at 10:30, apologizing for being late. I told him curfew was 10, and there were consequences for being late. He started arguing about 10 vs 10:30. I told him the consequence was not going over there on Saturday night. He got angry. Said that I agreed to 10:30 (not).

Punched the wall.

Oops.

Yes, there is a fist-sized hole in the drywall in my upstairs hall. :-(

Discussion with Dad followed.

What started out as a discussion of curfew and broken drywall, turned into a critique of his performance doing community service at the Y. You're a slacker. You underwhelm. You took a bathroom break every 5 minutes. You don't show initiative. You didn't finish the job, you've never worked hard a day in your life....blahblahblah.

Arguing, raised voices (my son). Name calling (my husband). Swearing (my son). To be fair, this time my husband wasn't yelling.

It took every ounce of will power in my body not to interject myself in the discussion downstairs.

I know from experience that it only gets uglier.

I've started taking notes. In addition to this blog.

I really wish I could tape everything. I don't think my husband realizes how ugly his words can be. How awful it is for a child (even an almost-man, belligerent, defiant child) to hear that you think they're a loser. That they can't be trusted. That they don't do anything well.


Posted by

Riddle me this

So, if you were, say, a 14 year old boy who was recently suspended and part of your contract to return to school included 20 hours of community service....

Would you ARGUE with your mother when she told you that regardless of the 20 hour threshold, you would be engaged in some kind of activity during spring break because no way, no how, notgonnahappen, and again, no way would you be lounging around for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week with no supervision while your parents are at work.

Hmmmm, I didn't think so.

Would said arguments include a rather loud, vehement "FUCK NO! I'm DONE at 20 hours! That's what the school SAID!" when your mother calmly and rationally explained that your options included:
a. going to work with mom
b. going to work with dad
or
c. helping out with other teens during the YMCA Splash Week

Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Did I mention that said volunteering would be from 8:45 to 11:30 AM Monday to Thursday? Not exactly torture or slave labor.



Posted by

Good morning

Tutoring.

Transportation.

Rain.

Back to work.

Let's see what today brings.

Thanks for letting me vent.


Posted by

Cravings

I *really would like a glass of chardonnay.

But not enough to drive the 1.8 miles to buy a bottle.

That's good, right?

Posted by

Yes, I did turn him in

Silly me.

I believe in the whole school- home partnership thing.

And I believe in the whole "It takes a village to raise a child thing".

If you are in my neighborhood, you'd better believe that I'm keeping an eye out.

If you fall off your bike and scrape your knee, I'll be there to dry your tears and walk you home. And I'm thankful that I have neighbors that have done the same for me and my kids.

I'll be there to hand out Halloween candy and ooh and aaah over your costume. To buy your Girl Scout cookies and magazine subscriptions. And yes, I'm sorry, to send my kids to your house when they have to sell oranges or Entertainment books. (But no, I won't be offended if you don't buy)

And you know what? I'll also be the one who calls you when I see someone go into your garage when I know you're in Florida, just to be sure it's okay.

And yes, if I see your kids, our kids, my kids doing something shady in our neighborhood, I'll let you know.

Because we are that village.

So a few months ago, when my son had a friend sleep over; a man-boy that I have known since he first slept over at my house in kindergarten or first grade; and I suspected/ then discovered that someone had thrown up in my family room and covered it up; I told the other Mom that one of them got sick and I didn't know who, but that I suspected they had been drinking.

This happened IN MY HOUSE. When my husband and I were sleeping upstairs. With the door open! In a small house where I could hear them going to the kitchen for a glass of water. Where the "bar" is just 7 short steps down from my bedroom door. Where I checked on them in the middle of the night. Covered them up with blankets and sleeping bags.

I was shocked. And devastated. He was remorseful and apologetic. And sick. (served him right)

I thought it was a bad choice that he wouldn't repeat. Silly me.

So, when he came home on Wednesday and something didn't seem quite right, I questioned him.

And again.

And he "admitted" that he had been with some kids who smoked pot after school before the late bus. I told him that he was just as guilty even if didn't smoke. Because he was there!

I believed him. But I drug-tested him anyway. It was negative.

So I went to the school the next day because I thought they should know that there were opportunities for kids to do that on school grounds, while there were still students and faculty on the property.

I thought that was pretty brazen.

But I'm part of the village, right? I'd want to know if stuff was going on. So I went to them.

Anyway, they questioned my son. And the others that I thought might be involved (thought -because my son wouldn't tell me their names, but I know he texted them regularly).

To his credit, my son was honest with them and cooperated. Turns out he wasn't honest with me.
He was not only with them, but smoked. And provided the pot. Shocker! The others were honest too.

They're all suspended.

Really, I wasn't trying to get him suspended, but I'd do it again.

Yes, I turned him in and I. would. do. it. again.

I believe that the resources of the school can be helpful to us and to other families. I don't think they're helpful if they don't know what's going on.

And I certainly can't do this alone. I need help. We all do.

So, what would you have done?

Would you have "handled" it at home or gone to the school?

Flame away.

Posted by

Ps - Please forgive the horrendous punctuation errors. But there's not much I can do with a rambling, run on paragraph.

You know, there is a bright spot

I do hear from neighbors and friends that you are respectful and polite when you visit their house.

You shake their hand, look them in the eye, say hello.

You say "Please" and "Thank you".

I've seen you work hard for others; I've seen you delight and captivate the younger children at church or in the neighborhood.

I know you're in there.

Somewhere.

My little boy.
My big boy.
My first-born.

My almost-man.

Come back to me.

Please.
Posted by

Ugly

I asked you to complete the tasks you were given to do today. Despite the fact that you're not in school today, this is not a vacation.

And don't. even. get. me started on the fact that this was my first day off from work when you both were at school. It's Easter Monday. A perk of working in a church office.

I was looking forward to it.

To MYSELF.

Not to babysitting you. Not to go to the principal's office to sign your "Helping Contract" that will hopefully have you out of school for two weeks plus April recess instead of the 5 - 15 weeks that are the policy of our district. For a FIRST offense.

Not discussing our situation to a stranger that will soon become our closest confidant. A highly recommended substance abuse counselor who works in a neighboring district.
Not setting up tutoring and transportation and community service hours.

NO, I was looking forward to an uninterrupted day of cleaning closets and bringing stuff to our local resale shop, to a Yoga class at the Y, to browsing the sales at the mall, to using the coupons that I have been collecting - 40% off at Borders, 25% off at Ann Taylor Loft, Buy one, Get one Half Off at Famous Footwear...

I was not looking forward to you being belligerent when I reminded you of unfinished tasks... to hearing, FUCK YOU!
Again.

To having you, my 6 foot 2, 14 year old tower over me and threaten me.

I certainly didn't expect to lose my temper and call you names in return, but I'm not perfect. But you knew that already.

Maybe that's why you want to get high, maybe that's why you want to escape. I can't say I totally blame you.

But regardless, I will not let you get away with it. You have too much ahead of you to limit your future by poor choices today.

Bad grades, bad attitude, bad choices, bad parenting.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Maybe I've set a bad example when you hear your father and I arguing. About you. About laundry. About my work. My housecleaning. Or lack of it.

I'm sure we could have benefited from counseling sooner than this. But that's done. We're on it now.

***** Honestly, the reason I didn't make an appointment sooner? Fear. Not fear of talking it out. Fear of choosing the wrong counselor/therapist. I don't doubt that I could find someone that *I'm comfortable talking to. My fear was choosing someone my husband or son didn't like; of having them feel like I was "stacking the deck" against them by finding someone who listened to my side of the story first. *****

Posted by

Who am I?

I am a mom.

A former camp director.

Former Y teen leader.

A youth minister.

A parent of a teen who smokes pot.

I am your next door neighbor.

I sit next to you in the church pew.

I am everyone and no one.

You might think you don't know me.

You might think you do.


Posted by

To drink or not to drink?

I've been following Stephanie Wilde Taylor's journey to giving up the mommy blogger's well-earned daily cocktail.

I thought it was interesting, but laughed it off.

Now I see a lot of myself in her story.

Maybe it's the stress of an unruly teenager and a husband, that's well, maybe a little too focused on his career and community image and power and less on his family's well-being. (oh, he provides well, that's not the problem).

Or maybe not.

Maybe it's my own flaw.

My escape. My little bit of paradise each day.

The problem?

I'd really like that paradise a little earlier each day.

I'd like that paradise to help me capture that feeling - you know the one - where you're on vacation and you find the perfect waterside bar with a deck and good friends.

The sun is warm and the drinks are cold and they taste...

Sweeter.
Cooler.
Lovely.
More tropical and sexy than any cocktail you drink at home.

But that glass of chardonnay at home in suburbia when you are tired of arguing with your teen and running interference with your husband and nagging your tween to clean up her room, and when you are avoiding your own chores.

Laundry. Dishes. Yard work. Dinner.


Never

ever

tastes as sweet.

That's why I know it's not the answer.

Posted by

The First Post.

Oh, my.
Where to begin?

I've been blogging for a few years and I've pretty much been an open book.

My parenting foibles, vacations, observations, recipes, photos, snarky random thoughts....

I've been silent for a little while.

Well, I'm back now.

But now my issues make me feel a little more vulnerable and I feel like I need a blog where I can be a little more anonymous.

My 14 year old son has been having a really tough time this year. 9th grade. My husband and I have had a tough year as a result, but that's another story. Or maybe it's not.

ANyway, I'll let the story unfold, but for now, let's just say that my son is suspended for substance abuse. Smoking pot after school.

I told the school.

I'd do it again.

Let the fun begin.

Posted by