Parenting is not convenient.... for him. ....too bad.

Yeah, so I've been venting mostly to small groups of friends... but this really got me this morning.


G has M this week because I feel that M is belligerent, disrespectful and reacts violently to consequences that I impose on his behavior and actions.  And I react badly in turn. So I figured we needed a break and that G needed some "real-time" parenting - not just one night mid-week or a fun weekend or a vacation.


Well, it turns out that he's not thrilled with having to bring him back and forth to school, or with having to get Emma organized in the AM.


Today he called to check on the weekend schedule - mind you we've gone over this several times, but with regards to his children's schedule, he has a mind like a sieve.


So I remind him that I'll bring M over after sports practice and will bring E too (why not? They're a package deal and I have to leave at 7 AM for a training thing I'm involved in) and that he needs to bring M to sports practice Sat. morning - probably when he's on his way to the house where he's planned to do more cleaning out and packing. I figured he'll be involved in that for the day while I'm gone.


He tells me he'll be busy packing and moving... I tell him welcome to my world of parenting in real life, and that he should get used to it.


He tells me I "have to take them once in a while" 


Really?


OMG, I didn't know whether to guffaw or just call call him an asshole. I reminded him that I've had them for 9 months. NINE MONTHS! And did he even ONCE ask if his *not having them was inconvenient for me? Did he even ONCE ask if the weekends he went to another state to see his gf or travelled on business or went out of the country were convenient FOR ME?! no. of course not.


Then he told me I should get a full-time job. (which is an inevitability, but that's not the point) The point is, if I have a full-time job, and he is SO BUSY with his Very. Important. Job. and Busy. Schedule.- then *who will take the kids to their sports practices at 4 PM, and pick them up after school, or get them again at 6? (Yeah, I know there are friends and neighbors to trade off with - that's not the point here) The point here is that HE is NOT AVAILABLE to do that. I am.  At least for now. 


And this is the guy who wants equal custody. Right.




Posted by

Letter to TOW

So...
     I've been thinking about this a lot this past week because I was frankly puzzled by your behavior last weekend.
     What were you thinking coming up to me and shaking my hand and saying "How are you?"
     Ours is not a social relationship.
     The only reason I need to know anything at all about you is because my children will be spending time around you.
     You might be a nice person, but since I don't know you, the only basis I have to form an opinion is that you are a woman who is okay with being in a relationship with a married man. And you are a mother willing to bring her 14 year old daughter into that relationship. Frankly, I have no respect for someone like that.
     I don't know what you've been told, but despite problems in our relationship, I loved him. I begged him to go to counseling and to work together to repair our marriage. We were married for 18 years and friends for 7 years before that.
     I was not invited to the high school reunion. I know now that he was having an affair with a stripper from North Carolina, so it makes sense that he was pulling away from me. I drove back to [our home town] with our son so that he could participate in a wrestling tournament. I thought I was giving my husband time on his own to enjoy his high school memories. Silly me. I wonder what he told you? That he was unhappy? That I didn't understand him? That I neglected him?
     Did he tell you that he put me down, called me a loser (and worse) in front of our children? That he was verbally and emotionally abusive and physically threatening? That he removed himself from our family life in so many ways - extending his business trips, traveling out-of-state to go to concerts, sleeping on the couch, working late, going to movies by himself; and that despite that - I was faithful to him. I was sure that if we went to counseling we could find our way back to each other.
     Meeting you definitely removed that possibility. Once he emotionally opened up to you, it's no wonder that he picked fights with me in Florida, pushed me away when I tried to reach out to him, and slept on the couch during our family trip to Florida at Christmas and our couples trip to Vegas in February.
     He lied to me and our children, saying that we just needed some time apart to stop the fighting and heal - he was already seeing you and not interested in reconciliation.  His trips to massachusetts not only took him away from me, but meant that he was unavailable to our children as well - and he missed out on many of their activities.
     So when you ask me "How are you?", I can tell you that I am sad that the man who was my best friend; who I thought would be my family, my husband, my partner, forever; has lost all of his integrity. I am sad that he got lost in his unhappiness and couldn't see a way to weather this storm together.
     I am hurt, and disappointed that he chose to leave our marriage this way. I am sorry that he has put his own happiness before thinking about what's bet for his children.
     I think he should have waited until we were legally separated/divorced before he introduced his [adulterous] relationship with you to our children. I think it sends a lousy message to them about marriage and commitment. [and character]
     I also think it sucks that instead of spending a week of uninterrupted time alone with his children, he (and you) thinks it's okay to bring you along on vacation.
     Don't get me wrong - I know our marriage is over, and I don't begrudge him future happiness; but how do *you live with your choices? You're sleeping with a married man, going out with him in public, at work events, and introducing your child and mine into the mix. What kind of reaction did you expect from me? That this is hunky-dory? I certainly wasn't going to act inappropriately with my daughter there, but I was taken aback.
     None of this is okay. I never imagined that the person I loved, the person I committed my life to, the person I was raising a family with; wasn't similarly committed. Things were rocky yes, but I thought they could get better.
     It's been devastating and unsettling, and sad. It would be all those things at the end of any relationship, but adding you into the mix makes it that much more hurtful and sad.
     So that's how I am. "I've been better" just didn't really cover it.
     And I really don't have any respect for someone who doesn't respect marriage. [Either of you]



by


PS. Is this one of those letters better left unsent? I'm itching to mail the handwritten version. What do you think?

I'll start the new year soon... still some loose ends from 2011

I know I skipped a lot, but I just need to get this little bitch out...


G and I agreed that since my flight to Florida leaves at 6 AM on Friday, the kids would stay at his house on Thursday night and he would take them to school. 
Now, he's taking a friend to see Little Feat on Thursday night (for J's bday which was Jan 1 @@) and can't have them sleep over. 

Really? The one friggin weekend that you agreed to take on kid responsibilities, you can't follow through?

And you can't see your kids this weekend "because you'll have them all next weekend" and coincidentally, you'll be out of town on Sat and Sun (trip to see girlfriend@@), thereby missing the wrestling tournament on Saturday and the pasta dinner fundraiser on Sunday?

Stellar, just stellar.


Posted by

The truth is somewhere in between

You know, they'll hear that I failed him. 


That I abandoned him. That I didn't support him or live up to my side of the bargain. They'll hear that he was unhappy for 10 years. They'll hear that I was combative, that I wouldn't ever back down, that I wouldn't compromise. 


They'll hear that he turned to others (yes, otherS) because he was unhappy, that it had nothing to do with our relationship.


They won't hear that he blamed me for discipline and school problems with our son. They won't hear that he called me a loser with mediocre standards and no ambition. They won't hear that he belittled and berated me and talked to me like I was stupid. And said so in front of our children.


They won't hear that he also belittled and berated our son and called him a loser. That he threatened to wash his hands of our son, that he was "done". They won't hear that most of our fights started as a result of me trying to protect M from his father's verbal abuse and physical threats.


They won't hear that he called me a c-nt. That I had a few bruises over the years. That he threatened me when I wouldn't back down, when I wanted to talk. 


They won't hear that he told me there was no such thing as "fighting fair" That he knew he was a bastard, but that when he fought, the gloves came off... that he thought that was ok and that I shouldn't have provoked him to that point.


They won't hear that after our fights, he would cool off and then expect that everything would be okay and not understand why I didn't just forget it and move on.


Or that it became easier to just avoid him and not engage... to nurse my emotional wounds and just move on. That it was impossible to open up to him emotionally and physically when he betrayed my emotional trust. 


They won't hear that I begged him to go to counseling to help us navigate our differences in parenting M. That I begged him to go to counseling to help *us.


They won't hear that whenever I wanted to talk about things he told me to go away. They'll hear that I over-processed things, that I was pushy when I tried to talk things out. But they won't hear that he physically threatened my if I didn't leave him alone.


They won't hear how the big screen TV screen got cracked, or how the microwave panel got broken or how the cookie jar broke.


They'll hear that I was a lousy housekeeper and a lax parent. That I should have been working full-time. That I was often naggy in the morning when trying to get our kids up and off to school. They won't hear that he was sleeping on the couch and watching TV and totally uninvolved in joining us in the morning routine other than criticizing the way I was handling it. They'll hear that I yelled at the kids to hurry them up. And it's true. And I am loud. 


They'll hear that his health crises were a wake up call for him that life is short and he should be happy. They won't hear that I (we) were scared for him and did everything possible to support him, encourage him, give him his space and reassure the kids that everything was ok by trying to keep their routines as normal as possible.


They won't hear that he chose to sleep on the couch for years and that when he did come up to our bedroom he demanded that I give up the remote and let him have control or that he would get unreasonably angry when he wanted me to scratch his back even when I was half asleep. And when I did it was never enough.


They won't hear that I got used to him coming home late to dinner or that he often wouldn't let me know his plans. I was just supposed to be there because he had an important job. That sometimes when I thought he was working late, he was really at an afternoon movie.


They'll hear that I should have been employed full-time to help support the family.
They won't hear that my part-time jobs allowed me to do the pick-ups and drop-offs for our kids' sports and afterschool activities, that it allowed me to go to every single game. That my schedule allowed me to do all of their school conferences and doctor's appointments, that it allowed me to follow his vacation schedule and take care of his errands - dry cleaning, prescription refills, etc. That it allowed me to be there at the big work events and praise him to his board and staff and celebrate his successes.


They won't hear that I was alone sometimes for 17 days out of a month (every October - that was the extreme) while he traveled  for business and pleasure (golf with the guys). They won't hear that I never gave him any hassle for adding days onto his business trips so he could follow CSNY or that he made separate trips out of town to follow them. They won't hear that I supported his passion and was happy for him to be able to follow that dream  - because I knew it made him happy and because I knew he worked hard and needed that.


They'll hear that I swore. A lot. It's true, although it didn't start out that way.  They won't hear that he swore at every football game on TV with language reserved for really really angry moments, but to him were just an expression of his displeasure. They won't hear that when I nursed and sang M to sleep at night, he was downstairs watching the Sopranos so loud that I could hear every single conversation. And every. single. swear. That he was annoyed when I asked him to turn it down. That instead of helping me with the bedtime routine and waiting and watching the show with me, he was inconvenienced because I didn't think it should be so loud and to him, volume makes the experience.


They'll hear that I faked it at family gatherings and put on a good front. They won't hear that I protected him because I didn't want to violate our marital relationship or air our dirty laundry.


They won't hear that he ridiculed my religion and mocked me for being involved at church. That he blamed church for my pulling away from.


They'll hear that he supported me and our family financially and provided well. It's true. They'll hear that he loved my mother and thought she was a saint. it's true. They'll hear that he was supportive through the deaths of my parents. Yes, until he thought I should just get over it. 


They'll hear that he drove back at 1 AM from a conference in Albany the night my father died. It's true. But they won't hear how he mocked my relationship with my father and used things I told him about past conflicts with my Dad as weapons in arguments with me. 


They'll hear that he felt unappreciated and taken advantage of. They won't hear that I felt dismissed and ignored. 

They won't hear that I loved him. 
And believed in him. That I wanted his respect and friendship. That I wanted us to be a team. That I wanted us to weather the storm.

And the truth is somewhere in between. 


It is in what is said and unsaid. In lives lived and moments passed. In hours that turn into days that turn into weeks, then months and years. Until too much has happened and there's no finding your way back. It's too late.


It's over now. There's no way to make it right. You don't get a do-over. You don't get to say "Wait! I didn't want this to happen! This isn't supposed to be." 


There's only recriminations. And coulda beens, and shoulda beens.


And then, hopefully, there is healing and forgiveness. 


Someday, maybe.


Until then, there is just unbearable sadness.


And the truth, buried somewhere in between 2 points of view.




Posted by

I have nothing to hide

I never put this out there before. In fact I lied to cover it up. But you know what? I have nothing to hide anymore. 

I wasn't battered in the typical sense. In fact, these 2 instances were almost an accident. Accident in that the outcome wasn't what was meant. But no accident in that it was indeed a predictable outcome of out of control anger.... of a tumultuous display of power and attempt at controlling rather than talking.

It's sad. And embarrassing. And ugly. Not what you expect from a family. Not what you expect from reasonable, well-educated, people. Not from someone who's whole identity and career are built on developing caring, respect, honesty and responsibility through the work they do. Someone who builds string communities and strong families.

There was an ugly early morning fight on day in November 2009 just after Thanksgiving. Luckily the kids were already off to school. I don't even know what the fight was about, but I do know that I went into the bathroom and locked the door to get away and be by myself. He wasn't done making sure he had the last word and actually broke the door. He swung his hand (maybe back hand? I don't know) and knocked my glasses off and broke them. I also got this lovely black eye.

 This was from an argument at dinner one night. He threw a fork at M's head. A FORK! It was also December of 2009. M was 14.

Posted by

oh, I was so shaken

So Friday I was leaving for a one night training workshop at a camp 2 1/2 hours away. E was scheduled for a soccer game that usually ends at 6:15 and M had football practice until about 6 pm. G was supposed to go to the game and then pick up M. Turns out G wasn't sure if he'd make the game, but he'd be there to pick E up.

School cancelled the soccer game, which meant that E needed to be picked up by 5 PM, so I emailed G in the morning to let him know that. he emails me back that it will be tight, he might be late. Then I get a voicemail that he's not sure if I emailed him because the email disappeared and 5 pm will be tough - what's the latest she can be picked up (um 5, duh) .
So I email the team asking if anyone can be a back up for a ride if necessary.

By about 2 PM I hadn't heard anything so I called G to say that I understand he's working, if he can't get E on time, I'll have her come home on the bus afterschool and skip practice.
He snaps at me on the phone and says 5 PM won't work for me and got real snippy ..."I have an important job, blahblahblah... don't worry about it" and hung up on me. 

So I called the school to say that E should come home. Then I call G back up to say thanks for hanging up on me, don't worry about E, she's coming home, you don't have a conflict anymore. 

He yells and asks why did I interfere? How awful it is that E will miss practice, he had it under control blahblahblah. 

I tell him I was trying to remove the inconvenience for him since he has such an important job yada yada. He tells me I shouldn't "fuck with him" or I'll regret it, don't interfere with his custody...stay out of it and leave... over and over - don't fuck with me and play games (wtf?)

Says I'm a bad parent for having E miss practice and how dare I leave her home unsupervised!

 @@ She is 13! 

 He threatened me with legal, financial and custody issues, told me I was unstable and unfit, said I should see someone, I should take meds.. ...by this time I was pacing the kitchen floor and my voice was wavering and probably rising. 

I kept saying what are you talking about, why are you being so rude and unreasonable!? This is unfair!I was trying to make YOUR life easier like I always have.

*And he's out of town next week and this is one night he has with the kids in our own home - and he couldn't get home on a friday night at a reasonable time *and he was leaving at 7 AM  Saturday to take the boat out of the water. I got M a ride to and from his fb practice on Saturday morning... 


He couldn't even be with them for 24 freakin hours. 


And when I got home tonight... E told me he ended up getting home a little after 4 PM on Friday...wtf? So even though he gave me shit about how inconvenient it was to be home in time to pick E up, and what a fuck-up I am, he *somehow rearranged things to get home even earlier than planned. 


Fuckker. 


And of course, I got several offers from other moms to give E a ride, but by then I already had things arranged. I didn't want loose ends while I was gone.  I have ALWAYS arranged all the details when I'm away so that he's not inconvenienced. I even left a mac and cheese casserole and hot dogs so there'd be food friday evening  because I *knew he wouldn't have planned that.


Sorry for my awful lack of quotations and improper use of punctuation.



Posted by

Time to pull my head out the sand and grab my boots traps

Nothing's changed legally, and I know I should have made some progress by now; but maybe I'm dragging my feet because I'm too old to have a temper tantrum and scream FUCK out loud for a few hours. Because that's what I'd like to do.

I'm ANGRY that he thought it was easier to walk away, to start up with someone new, no MATTER HOW BAD IT WAS; rather than go to the counseling that I BEGGED him to go to with me.

Foolishly thought I was all done with the crying. Oh was I so, so wrong.
The triggers: first a session with Mickey and the counselor; then a conversation with George about the furnace/ AC/ hot water heater replacement where he reminded me that it's my house now and he's not living there. And then said we might as well do the whole thing and do it right while simultaneously reminding me that it will run down our savings and he has to pay for a place to live now. Oh, he agreed to pay for the whole thing with no argument, it was the reminder that he's getting his own place that set me off.
SFS (A Shitfuckstack)

(That was yesterday...)

And today....

Fuckkkk fuckkk, fuckkk. FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

A bunch of things happened tonight which have me pissed, bawling, feeling raw and angry; but what kills me is that despite the fact that I have said NOTHING to the kids about G having a girlfriend, the kids know. He apparently told them on Saturday, but E knew already because a friend of hers at camp mentioned that she and her parents were on the boat (MY BOAT!) with G and "L".

That makes me even more angry. I feel like screaming from the fucking rooftop that he is a cheating bastard and started this before he left me.

He says I "abandoned" him, I say I left him alone partly because he wanted that and partly out of self-preservation. I mean, how close and intimate would *you feel towards someone who belittles you, bullies you, and casts you aside?

*I was unhappy too, but I loved him.

And I believed in our vows - "til death do us part", "for better or for worse"

Yeah, I'm feeling raw right now.





Posted by